THE CULTISTS
SANDRA
Likes: orgies, muscles, money, power, silent men, the environment
Dislikes: capitalists, being called a cultist, small penises, losing power
Hobbies: having sex, walking in the woods, vigorously persuading others that Tree Tree McForest Face is not a cult, preventing the community from being discovered by outsiders, shopping, gardening, creating fertilizer out of human remains, learning environmentally sustainable cooking methods, recruiting new community members using forceful ultimatums
About me: “I am a woman who knows her own mind. If you ask me a question, I will give you an answer, whether you like it or not. I am not opposed to being disagreed with, but for those who wish to disagree, just know there has never been a disagreement in which I have not come out on top, either in the bedroom or at the sacred site of Boom Boom Wawa Wabbit. I am a spiritual person and travel weekly to Gumdrop Kitten Squish to pay reverence to the stone kitten, and I participate in orgies weekly to achieve nirvanic disattachment. On weekends I can be found sipping a bowl of broth in my yurt or munching on organically grown raspberries by the creek as I watch the unnamed children splash in their tiny white robes.”
MOJO POP CRISPY
Likes: a certain woman, sunglasses, sandals, loose-fitting clothing, being revered
Dislikes: a certain other woman, muscle-bound meat sticks, other men’s leather pants, his capitalist name
Hobbies: daydreaming about a certain woman, maintaining order in Tree Tree McForest Face, procreating, learning tricks with his sunglasses, overseeing the slaughter of unruly outsiders, tanning
About me: “I like to have a good time. Smoke some weed. Eat some mushrooms. The world is a tangled mess of capitalistic desires. Our foods are pumped full of corn syrup and genetically modified chemical ingredients. Earthly possessions don’t matter to me. I have no ties of any kind. I am close to the earth and try to leave as small a carbon footprint as I can, which is why I only eat food grown using my community’s own bodily waste and other organic matter. I don’t understand why women find muscles so attractive. All muscles are is meat, and desiring muscles is like desiring meat. It’s wrong. If she can’t see that he’s a fucking meat sack…I like to wear sunglasses, too.”
WHAT-WHAT NO WORDS
Likes: food?, suckers?, driving?, sex?, making things appear seemingly by magic?
Dislikes: Mojo?
Hobbies: acting as Sandra’s chauffer
About me: We only know about What-What what we have observed, which is not much. Whether he likes the things we have listed is not fully known. What he dislikes is wholly unknown.
NUM-NUM TINKLES
Likes: skinny men who wear sunglasses, being subordinate, making herbal remedies, her children and grandchildren
Dislikes: corporate America, sexual frustration, unrequited love, unrequited lust, not being noticed
Hobbies: creating organic cosmetics, boiling people’s clothes with juniper berries to use in initiation rituals, watching the man she loves from across the forest in hopes he will look at her, finding innovative and sustainable ways to use various human body parts for cooking or for cosmetic production
About me: “Being useful is what is most important to me, and Tree Tree McForest Face allows me to continue being useful even as I get older. I brew different beverages; I make sunscreen out of woodpecker dung; and I’ve even dabbled in love potions, though I have not found a recipe that works. I don’t see my children or grandchildren anymore, but Sandra is providing for them, which is great. She is an amazing woman. So powerful and so beautiful. To see the spell she’s cast over Mojo. If I were an envious person, I would envy her for that. But I’m not. I just want Mojo to see me like he sees her. I don’t care that he isn’t the strongest man in the community. I really think his little grub would be the perfect complement to the rotting wood that I have to offer him. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.”
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