THE CONSPIRACISTS

CARL

Likes: blue-blooded American patriots, QAnon, Coors Light, French fries, guns, his Black friend whom he hugs every time he sees him, pussy

Dislikes: people calling him racist, the government, vegans, the shadow state, people questioning his masculinity, sissy drinks, salad, people who call facts “conspiracy theories,” cutting people open to see whether or not they have two kidneys

Hobbies: carrying a concealed weapon (before his license was revoked), scrolling anti-government websites, prepping for the zombie apocalypse or Armageddon or the takeover by the Obamas, fishing, Nascar, telling people to “get out of America if you don’t like it,” camping

About me: “Listen, before you get mad at me for liking QAnon and disliking sissy drinks, let me just say some things. I’m not racist. Look at my other likes. I have a Black friend, and I hug that Black friend every time I see him. And even though I said ‘sissy,’ I’m not a gay hater either. I have a cousin whose brother in law’s best friend is queer. You think I’m gay? Then riddle me this. Would a gay man walk naked into a locker room full of his friends and dangle his balls around like he’s making tea? Would he slap his friends’ bare asses and yank their wieners as a prank? Didn’t think so. And look at my last like. P-U-S-S-Y. I should have just listed that five times because I like it so much. I’m not gay.”

GEORGE

Likes: white Americans, American beer, American-made cars, bald eagles, guns (some non-American), American flags, police, freedom, Trump, Newsmax, QAnon, cigarettes, rare steak, Vladimir Putin

Dislikes: non-whites, Chinese, Obama, communism, vegetables, queers, interracial couples, Blacks, liars, government, guys who can’t change a tire, women who earn more money than him, Tom Hanks, Ellen DeGeneres, hippies

Hobbies: rubbing chilies in his eyes while watching action movies to prepare for the next civil war, collecting guns, drinking beer, pasting newspaper clippings on his wall and writing hateful messages on the clippings, joining chatrooms with other white patriots and talking about plans to eradicate all the non-whites in America, selling beer at festivals, cutting open corpses to find shadow government technology, shooting stuff

About me: “Don’t know why ya care to know any more about me than I already said. Sounds like you’re trying to get some sort of information out of me. I’d be careful if I was you. Never know what type of something or other a man may or may not be carrying in his pocket. Ain’t gonna tell ya which pocket neither, and don’t be looking at my pants to try figuring it out, ya fuckin’ queer.”