THE MOUNTAIN FOLK

DOUGHBOY

Likes: shredding the pow, sending some sick walls, hitting some dank backroads in the she-wolf, fishing, smoking weed, living in the mountains, trustworthy people

Dislikes: none; life is too short to hate.

Hobbies: boarding, skiing, climbing, fishing, hiking, drinking, smoking, chilling, helping out friends

About me: “Bro, I was down Frisco way like seven, maybe eight years ago asking myself this same question. Like, what am I all about, man. It really soaked into my brain, man. Like, what is this whole thing about. I mean life, right. So I come home that night all bummed and fill a bowl and start smoking with my buddy Lorax, and I have this vision of me shredding this rainbow board down the slopes of Mt. Elbert. It’s not even winter. I’m just like shredding this rocky slope on pure sunlight, passing by these cute little marmots who are giving me the rock fist and talking to me with little Alvin and the Chipmunks voices. I get to the bottom of that ride and crash into this pond filled with sake, and all the fish in there start nibbling on my feet, and I start to disappear bite by bite. Fucking trippy. And that’s what I’m all about, man. That shit was probably laced.”

VERONICA

Likes: Oprah, Prada, Meryl Streep, Mountain Transient Chic, wealth, Aspen

Dislikes: Oprah haters, the middle class, Gucci, jaywalkers, homeless people

Hobbies: walking around the Prada store in Aspen imagining what she would look like in all the clothing, watching reruns of the Oprah Winfrey Show and reading all the books on Oprah’s book list, making gowns for big-name celebrities, attending costume parties

About me: “You know, the price of Prada continues to decrease, and very soon people from all income brackets will be able to afford our clothing, which, if you ask me, is quite unfair. How will the people of Aspen feel safe anymore when any pedestrian off the street can infiltrate our ranks simply by walking into one of our stores and purchasing an item meant for the elite. It is pure savagery. And don’t even get me started on the jaywalking problem here in Aspen. It’s like living in the ghettoes of Detroit out here. But I must stop complaining. Life here is still very much bearable, especially knowing Oprah is in town and purchasing a custom gown from my shop. I just adore her. Oh, and one secret for the road. I won’t tell you much, but keep these words in mind over the coming months. It’s going to be huge: Mountain Transient Chic.”

WINSTON VANGERKIN III

Likes: Sin City, cosmetic surgery, elf ears, Arwen, Rosario Dawson

Dislikes: lawyers, lawsuits, people who don’t understand his art, rumble strips, jaywalkers

Hobbies: performing surprise elf-ear surgery on unwitting patients after they have already gone under anesthesia, collecting movie memorabilia (especially from Sin City), taking pictures with his favorite celebrities, throwing parties

About me: “I am an artist. Some people call me a surgeon, but the two are the same. For years I have been trying to bring awareness to the most sensational form of cosmetic surgery to hit the operating rooms. I call it my elf work. Have you ever seen Liv Tyler as Arwen? That first scene where she is coming through the woods surrounded by light. A masterpiece. Who wouldn’t want to achieve that level of beauty? That level of perfection? The problem is people don’t know about it yet. It isn’t mainstream. I am trying to change that, and if the only way to change that is to perform my work on unconscious patients without their consent, well, so be it. They will thank me later when they become the face of the elf movement. They will have a spot in the history books beside the works of Picasso and Rembrandt. They will regret ever trying to sue me. I have a good lawyer. I’ve been assured the case is completely winnable.”